I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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