I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize