im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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