I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize