her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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