Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
