You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
