Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
