Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
