You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Enjoy the penises
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
