So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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