I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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