Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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