I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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