the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
