You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize