I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
