She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
