I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
