I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
