he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
