when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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