kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
