Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
