Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
