He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
