I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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