i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
