how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
