someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
