Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
