New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
its liver damage thursday
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