Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
