On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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