So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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