I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
