Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
