i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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