im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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