I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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