I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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