Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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