It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize