my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Less talking, more tequila
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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