i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
