After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
