I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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