I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
