I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize