I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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