I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
