so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
