Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Your cock deserves a montage
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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