Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize