Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There are leaves in my underwear?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
