she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
