Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize