Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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