This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
