we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found puke in my bra..
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
