How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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