it's like heaven, but drunker
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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