every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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